Today is a not-so-good day. Woke with both hands numb and tingling.
Inside of calves tight. Bursting into tears in church. Wondering if the
Bell's palsy was really a stroke. Wondering if my migraines have been
TIAs. Wondering if they are coming more frequently. Wondering what the
test will tell. Not following those "think on those things" thoughts.
I'm
almost to the point of accepting the test. There are times that I am
like, "Absolutely! Let's do it right now!" Then there are times that I
want to say, "No way! It's just overwhelming and I don't want to do it.
Do another bubble and see. Or the bubble study that they listen to the
artery in the head. Or another TTE. Anything else."
But God.
Aren't
those the words? They are full, yet simple. Two little three letter
words, but ones that can change a life. But.... Counter to all. Counter
to existing. Counter to the way we know. Counter to the way we think.
And, then, God. The Almighty. The Father. The All-Knowing One. The Lord
of All. He Alone.
Oh, to trust Him. Fully. And I have to admit
that I am just not there. I'm still praying for healing. That what they
think they saw on the monitor is not there, and was a glitch on the
screen. Or that God miraculously heals it closed. I'll be glad to be the
7% false positive. And I can call it miraculous healing, whether the
doctors do or not. And I don't think that is wrong. But He also may not choose to heal me through spontaneous closure.
I've also
found out something interesting. Because PFOs are in 20-25% of the
population, because the device that they use is FDA approved for closing
other holes but is still seen as investigational for PFO closure, and
because the PFO closure surgery is done over 4,000 times a year, it was
removed from being covered by insurance companies back in around 2006.
The average cost for the surgery is between $30-60K. One more reason to
pray that this is gone and/or that an implant is not the recommended
route for me.
There are other options, of course. If I even have
one. There is the medical treatment -- taking a blood thinner like
Coumadin for the rest of one's life. That too has its problems for long
term use, but it is an option. For some, it is only aspirin forever.
Those are both approved treatments for those who have even had TIAs
(mini strokes) and full blown strokes. And in many studies they have the
same success rate as the implant device. Seems like a great place to
start, then, if I need treatment, doesn't it? (And even when they find
PFOs they do not always treat them.)
Ok. I think I might be ready
to concentrate. Church was hard today, not because I'm distant to
Christ, but because I think that church is so filled with Him that it is
just an emotional thing. I need to feel Him, and He is there. Like when
you cry when you see someone who is returning home because you are so
glad to see them? Yes, He is everywhere, but there is something about
being in a designated place with Believers that is comforting and
uplifting. I need His healing touch, physically and emotionally.
I
have a little guy who moved over to me in the pew. He put his ear over
my heart. I think he, like I, needed to know that it is healthy. That it
is beating like it should. That all is well. P knows something is up,
though I am trying to shelter much to most of this from the boys. He,
however, is sensitive to people and has been able to tell when something
is wrong since he was able to crawl. Amazing. And what I need. He's a
snuggler -- my "Snuggles" -- and has been ready to give hugs at just the
right time. Praise the Lord for those snuggles.
