Can't even think......

Today is a not-so-good day. Woke with both hands numb and tingling. Inside of calves tight. Bursting into tears in church. Wondering if the Bell's palsy was really a stroke. Wondering if my migraines have been TIAs. Wondering if they are coming more frequently. Wondering what the test will tell. Not following those "think on those things" thoughts.

I'm almost to the point of accepting the test. There are times that I am like, "Absolutely! Let's do it right now!" Then there are times that I want to say, "No way! It's just overwhelming and I don't want to do it. Do another bubble and see. Or the bubble study that they listen to the artery in the head. Or another TTE. Anything else."

But God.

Aren't those the words? They are full, yet simple. Two little three letter words, but ones that can change a life. But.... Counter to all. Counter to existing. Counter to the way we know. Counter to the way we think. And, then, God. The Almighty. The Father. The All-Knowing One. The Lord of All. He Alone.

Oh, to trust Him. Fully. And I have to admit that I am just not there. I'm still praying for healing. That what they think they saw on the monitor is not there, and was a glitch on the screen. Or that God miraculously heals it closed. I'll be glad to be the 7% false positive. And I can call it miraculous healing, whether the doctors do or not. And I don't think that is wrong. But He also may not choose to heal me through spontaneous closure.

I've also found out something interesting. Because PFOs are in 20-25% of the population, because the device that they use is FDA approved for closing other holes but is still seen as investigational for PFO closure, and because the PFO closure surgery is done over 4,000 times a year, it was removed from being covered by insurance companies back in around 2006. The average cost for the surgery is between $30-60K. One more reason to pray that this is gone and/or that an implant is not the recommended route for me.

There are other options, of course. If I even have one. There is the medical treatment -- taking a blood thinner like Coumadin for the rest of one's life. That too has its problems for long term use, but it is an option. For some, it is only aspirin forever. Those are both approved treatments for those who have even had TIAs (mini strokes) and full blown strokes. And in many studies they have the same success rate as the implant device. Seems like a great place to start, then, if I need treatment, doesn't it? (And even when they find PFOs they do not always treat them.)

Ok. I think I might be ready to concentrate. Church was hard today, not because I'm distant to Christ, but because I think that church is so filled with Him that it is just an emotional thing. I need to feel Him, and He is there. Like when you cry when you see someone who is returning home because you are so glad to see them? Yes, He is everywhere, but there is something about being in a designated place with Believers that is comforting and uplifting. I need His healing touch, physically and emotionally.

I have a little guy who moved over to me in the pew. He put his ear over my heart. I think he, like I, needed to know that it is healthy. That it is beating like it should. That all is well. P knows something is up, though I am trying to shelter much to most of this from the boys. He, however, is sensitive to people and has been able to tell when something is wrong since he was able to crawl. Amazing. And what I need. He's a snuggler -- my "Snuggles" -- and has been ready to give hugs at just the right time. Praise the Lord for those snuggles.

"No, Honey, She Meant to Look Like That....."

So we go shopping at Target and are in the drugstore part of the store. I'm fumbling through my coupons, trying to match up some wonderful deals, and my blessing of an anally rule-following child (may I add who we are attempting to potty train) decides to speak his mind. See, the lady in front of us was sporting a too-tight shirt, low-rise capris, and a muffin top to go with that.

P in his "urgent" voice called out: "Mommy, mommy, MOMMmmmmEEEeeeee! She pulled her pants down and forgot to pull them UP!" Embarrassed? Yup. Perhaps the saving grace was that she did not appear to be a native speaker of English??

In any case, in my calmest and most matter of fact voice, I said the only neutral thing I thought I could say, "No, Sweetheart. She did pull them up. That's just as far as they go."

Our Little Linguist

Sometimes you wonder about things... like today, when we were in the car and C was being a little pill about everything. He was hungry but neither the goldfish crackers nor the granola bar that I had would work for him; then he wanted something to drink but the water in the car was too warm. His brother was singing too loud and it wasn't the song he wanted to hear. He didn't want to go back home but he didn't want to go anywhere I suggested. I had just about had it up to the proverbial "here" when the following conversation occurred:

K: "C, you seem to be acting cranky today. Do you know what that means?"
C: "No." (insert pout, locked jaw, and otherwise sour demeanor)
P (proudly stating his knowledge): "I do! It means whining and crying."

Ahhh -- the future is bright when you have a little one with an expanding vocabulary.

Wonder how much rest the basketball has gotten.....

This morning at 7am I woke up to a conversation that made me laugh.

P: "C, come play with me."
C:"No. I'm tired."
P (with a slight whine):"But the basketball's not tired!"

Wii Boxing Star

You know, my little one has always seemed to have some athletic prowess, but he proved it once again today while at one of C's friend's houses (OK -- just let me think he is a prodigy... really...). C and Jimmy had just finished playing Wii Boxing, and P picked up C's controller to "play". Jimmy decided he would play him -- you know, an easy win, right? Beat a two-year-old newbie. So, anyway, Kim (Jimmy's mom) and I were in the kitchen and about 30 seconds into the game heard Jimmy yell, "Mom! P doesn't know how to play right! He won't let me deck him!" Yeah -- we both got a good laugh out of that one!

Out of the Mouth of My Precious Babe

There are just some days that you need to know you are getting through to your kids -- especially in the spiritual stuff. Last night was one of those nights I had to hold back tears of joy/pride. C was driving us nuts at the dinner table -- slumping down in the seat and under the table, making P laugh so hard he was nearly choking, standing up and walking around, and repeating (incessantly), "Waaahhh, waaahhh, waaahhhh. I'm a cry baby..." So we got this brilliant idea to stick him in P's crib. After all, that is where babies go, right? We warned him that that was his next step if he decided to continue on his present behavior path. Lo, and behold..... yup, you guessed it! He found himself scooped up and whisked away to baby jail.... crying and kicking as he was being carried.

Fast forward two minutes..... I went back upstairs to check on him and to ask him if the big boy was ready to rejoin us. As I walk up to the door I hear "... and let me (...sniff...) go back (...sniff...) downstairs and eat (...sniff...) with my (...sniff...) family...." through his sobs. Unsure exactly why he was talking to himself, I opened the door and asked him if he was ready to come back downstairs and act like a big boy. His reply was just precious: "Yes, Mom. (still sniffling) And I was just praying to God to let me come downstairs and eat with my family."

The Lord answers the prayers of His children, doesn't He?

Out of the Mouth of My Babe....

I love to hear my boys sing. One, of course, is more understandable than the other. Tonight, C was singing some songs/rhymes he learned in school. One caught my attention:

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?

With silver bells, and taco shells,

And pretty maids all in a row."

So much for those cockle shells!